So for example, it has become clear to me recently that even regarding my partner in whose love I feel so secure, I am scaring myself because I have a deep fear of being abandoned. When there is a problem, when something happens that momentarily divides us, I feel I have to say something although I know he needs to be left alone and that all will be well. But instead, by going to him, I agitate him more.
I am well aware of my historic fear of being abandoned. But I was not aware that it was active in this sphere of my life. The relationship is that strong and deep.
Part of my meditation affirmations every day is saying that my true Buddha self removes all negative energy, including fear of being abandoned. But obviously that is not working here.
My practice and mantras have worked very well except for those things that touch my deepest core, which is my fear of not being loved, of being abandoned. Things don’t push my buttons; I truly feel that I will be ok regardless what life throws my way, because I have returned home to my true Buddha nature.
This fear has been the source of much suffering for me for decades. Part of my sexual addiction was the fear of being abandoned; I looked for some form of sustenance outside my relationship so that I would feel that even if it fell apart, I would not be alone. It sounds insane, but it’s true. My practice and 12-step work has freed me from my sexual addiction (like the ego, though, it is always there, so I call myself a recovering sex addict).
But when it comes to my relationship with my partner, my love, my destiny, I am aware now that the fear is still very active and alive. And only by working with God, my angels, my true Buddha self, can this fear be removed from me. It all goes back to the trauma of my childhood.
And so I realized that I need to go to my true Buddha self, my divine essence, and ask him to remove this fear from me. It is this core fear that activates the things I do in my interaction with my partner that causes problems. That and my pride, which is ego-sabotage. (But that’s a topic for another post.)
Theoretically, there are 2 ways of being free of this fear. The one is having faith that you will not be abandoned based on the strength of the relationship. The other is knowing that if for some reason this should happen, you will be ok regardless because you have returned home to your true Buddha nature. I truly believe in the latter, even as regards my partner; my mantra about not being attached works. But the fear of being abandoned comes from childhood trauma and that is not lessened by the rational knowledge of the strength of my relationship.
And so I sat again in my meditation with this fear. I realized the truth that I have never been abandoned by anyone I loved, not my parents nor anyone else. My fear of being abandoned is a child’s fear. Now I am an adult and I know better.
So part of the answer is acting on this realization. This is another area where I need to rewrite my childhood narrative. Give my child a way to react to situations which he did not have. See my post, “Reclaiming the Story of Your Life.”
And my Buddha nature, my divine essence spoke to me. Regardless what happens to me, if in the future I am left alone for whatever reason, I will never be alone because my true Buddha nature will always be there for me, to nourish me, to love me, to sustain me. As the Buddha said, do not take refuge in anyone but your self.
We are raised to believe that we need others in order to be happy, in order to survive. When we are born and in our early childhood that is literally the case. But that gets morphed by our ego-mind into a much broader need that is not rational. And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Yet I truly know from within that I have everything I need inside myself to be at peace and happy. It is my job to maintain that awareness and not allow my ego-mind to pull up the fears of my childhood and cause me anxiety.
It doesn’t matter how long one has been practicing or the depth of one’s practice. It doesn’t matter how far one has come in walking the path. You are usually kidding yourself if you think you are truly free of all fetters. Such deep fetters that are connected to our ego-mind are the last that we free ourselves from allowing us to experience nirvana. See my post, “Nirvana — It’s Just Before Your Eyes.” Obviously, I’m not there yet.
I have faith. All will be well.