Embryonic Journey By Cary William White August 27, 2015 I was asked today what I thought came first, like the chicken or the egg, our soul or the ego? As I pondered the question, I couldn't answer at first. Though the soul seemed to exist long before our conditioned ego arrives in consciousness, yet in the early years of life, even our soul seems to be something new and not very developed. Like the egg and yoke, we emerge from the womb a new creature with much potential, but just the beginnings of any definition, formation and expression. So, the soul comes before the ego, I said. But just barely. Yet the very pondering of this idea brought back a flash memory from around 15 years ago, in 2001 (a space odyssey!), when I first learned to hear my soul and acknowledge my own intrinsic worth. I had just started smoking marijuana for the first time since the 1970's and within a month or so, had my first real encounter with silence. I had come home late from a night of band practice and everyone was asleep in their beds, the house was dark and very quiet. I wandered over to an easy chair in the front room, and just felt like basking in the peace and quiet of a very still household. As my breathing relaxed and my body eased into a gentle space, all tension drained out of my body. My mind, usually very active with that constant commentary chatting away about this or that, all of sudden became still. I had no more thoughts to think, questions to ask, or problems to ponder or solve. I just felt beingness, stillness, total quiet and immense peacefulness. My awareness began to open up in that stillness, first filling the entire room, then washing over the rest of the house, rooms and inhabitants, finally lifting out and beyond the house and yard. If you can imagine the attention and awareness like a bubble, usually occupied by just the immediate surroundings of sight, touch, hearing and smell, expanding past the walls, ground and environment, eventually growing to encompass the entire block, then city, state and finally all the stars, earth and space, that is the best I can describe my experience that night. The awareness and expansion of one's own soul, which is also mirror to all that exists in time, reveals that each of us are a universe, have our own universe inside, and the outside is just our souls refection of all that is. This was a profound revelation, and continued to bring insight after insight. My own true voice was all I was listening to, and its musings were pure, unadulterated and more than mere words or thoughts. The voice of soul and God were the same; my own highest truths coming not from mind, learning or even cognition of any sort, but rather bubbling up from my very depths. The Voice of God! I fell in love with soul, with silence, with myself, my own true, unique god-self. I knew I was and am a son or song of God! Peace like the quietest lake was my soul. Vision of infinite sight is how my soul sees, without boundaries, labels, definitions and differences. I became hooked on finding this silent space at every opportunity.....lunch and smoke breaks, parking in a quiet spot after work for hour before going home, the garage or car during evenings and weekends. The more I practiced this silent form of prayer and presence, the more my soul revealed to me and the more it grew and expanded, leaving nothing apart from itself, but rather emerging a pure reflection of it all. For the next three years, 2001-2004 I would spend up to 8 hours in various forms of silent meditation or contemplation. During those three years I was hungry for spiritual insight of every kind, and I read everything I could get my hands on to feed this inner journey. I began to see into other realms, and really understand life apart from the limitations of ordinary awareness of time and space. I communed with angels, sprites, tree and water spirits and was frequently visited by deceased loved ones and saints. When I let the mind become still, I could see, hear and experience things so profound, I cannot even adequately describe them. The next three years the silence slowly became replaced with problems, needs, pains or troubles, and the revelations began to recede proportionately. This caused me some dismay, but also brought some relief, for at least in my experience, the closer I got to the angels and fairies the harder it was to function in this world of men and systems. At one point I asked the angels to lay off a little so that I could find a practical balance with life. That was in 2006 while living in my car, wishing I had my own house and bed. It took me another four years to actually get a home. Since 2010 I have gotten more grounded, have my routines, jobs and a few responsibilities, and take a few moments out of my day to be still and just breath, listen and be. On occasion I really connect with soul and get to soar in the high places for a time, but it was nothing like back in the day of spending hours in nothing but stillness and peace. At least once a year I spend a week or more in the deep canyons and lakes of the Sawtooth Wilderness, where after the 2nd or 3rd day the minds chatter calms to a trickle, and once again the songs of forest and creek can be heard, and every little movement means something beautiful. The silence has returned and with it comes the gift of everything. My life!