Note: Our friends at Eye of the Tiber sent this our way — a lighter take on these recent months of debates over Pope Francis and the style of his Papacy.
It was reported earlier this morning that Scooby-Doo and the Mystery Incorporated gang has apprehended the man many in the media have considered a monster and “the most insensitive and judgmental pope of all time,” Pope Emeritus Benedict. Before a large gathering of media at the Vatican moments ago, Fred Jones, lead driver of the Mystery Incorporated gang’s Mystery Machine could be seen still stunned from the shocking revelation that the “monster” Benedict that they had apprehended was none other than the beloved Pope Francis, a pope many have considered a liberal and a stark contrast to his predecessor.
“We were absolutely stunned,” said a blond haired Jones, sporting a pair of blue jeans and blue collared white shirt with an orange ascot. “It appears as though they were the same person, in as much as both Benedict and Francis shared in the continuity of the papacy.”
After two viewings of Star: Dog Ranger of the North Woods, the Mystery Incorporated gang, including Fred Jones, Daphne Blake, Velma Dinkley, Norville “Shaggy” Rogers, and his dog Scooby-Doo had accidentally turned up at the Vatican after the Mystery Machine developed engine trouble, overheated, and had a flat tire in the immediate vicinity of Benedict’s residence.
Velma Dinkley, dressed in all orange, noted that their unintended destination at Benedict’s residence turned out to be suffering from what many in the media described as a “monster” or a “ghost.” “We learned that the residence was being haunted by a sort of medieval, hypercritical ghost in the form of an 86-year-old German man. We decided to investigate and see if we could eradicate what some were calling a homophobe and many other things.”
The gang eventually split up to cover more ground, with Fred and Velma finding clues to the beliefs of the judgmental monster, while Daphne found danger after accidentally stumbling into a rave being hosted by a member of the Roman Curia who would not let her go without having at least one Appletini. Meanwhile, Shaggy and Scooby were busy scavenging for food in Pope Francis’ refrigerator, which turned out to only contain a single piece of bread and a can of Spam.
Eventually, enough clues were found to convince the gang that the monster was a fake, and a trap was set to capture him.
“We set up a trap to catch the vile, Jew-hating, homophobe who did not care about the poor like Pope Francis does,” Daphne Blake, who many would consider the prettiest of the bunch and had a striking resemblance to Sarah Michelle Gellar, went on to report. “But after the trap was set Scooby fell into the trap. Luckily, Benedict happened to be walking by to see what all the commotion was about and was accidentally caught in the trap with Scooby.”
Blake went on to say that after apprehending and unmasking the monster Benedict, that it turned out to be none other than Pope Francis himself. “Obviously you could all imagine our shock to find that Time’s Person of the Year believed the same doctrine as the most vilified pope in modern times. That he did not approve of abortion, gay marriage, or a female priesthood. We were blown away and told him that we would expose him as an orthodox pope who believed in all the tenets of Catholicism.
At press time, Francis has frustratingly informed the media that he would have gotten away with not being labelled conservative or liberal, and would have simply remained labelled a good man who was a faithful follower of Christ and His Church if it weren’t for those blasted meddling kids and that stupid dog.